Words matter!!
- Michelle Funke
- Nov 12, 2024
- 6 min read
How to truly support someone (without the clichés)
Grief and trauma are profound experiences that shift the way we see ourselves and the world. When someone close to us is in the depths of these emotions, we naturally want to help them find relief and healing. However, knowing how to truly support someone going through such intense pain can be challenging. The way we show up for them can either create a safe space for their healing or inadvertently deepen their suffering.
The words we choose hold incredible power, especially when it comes to grief and trauma. Words can lift someone up or make them feel even more isolated. Just as energy healing works on unseen levels, so does the impact of our language—subtly yet profoundly. A single phrase can either make a person feel seen and supported or unintentionally overlooked.
When we’re mindful of what we say and how we say it, we can create a space that honours their journey, free from judgment or pressure. Being thoughtful with our words isn’t about “walking on eggshells”. It’s about offering compassion that truly resonates.
People who have experienced a trauma or who are grieving don’t need fixing, nor do they need to be told to move on. What they often need most is a compassionate presence—someone who can hold space for their feelings without trying to change or minimise them.
Empathy allows us to feel with someone rather than feel for them. It’s about entering into their experience through their perspective with an open heart, recognising that their pain is unique and valid, and respecting that there’s no right or wrong way for them to grieve.
When we truly listen to their story, we’re not just waiting to respond. We’re fully engaged, giving our undivided attention and letting them know they are seen and heard.
It’s okay if they don’t want to talk or share right away or at that time. Sometimes, just being there—no agenda, no expectation—is the most comforting support we can offer.
Holding space for someone means letting them lead, and just being there for them so they can cry, be silent, or share memories and stories if they choose to.
Grief and trauma are hard, even for the people supporting loved ones. Because these tough experiences generally tend to make us feel uncomfortable, we struggle to just sit in supportive silence. Know that you don’t need to fill the quiet with words or solutions. Empathy only asks that we show up fully and honour the journey that’s unfolding for the person we are supporting.
Ooooh I could write a book on this one! (Maybe I will some day).
Even with the best intentions, some comments or platitudes can come across as dismissive, minimising, or even hurtful to someone in grief or who has experienced a trauma. Below I offer some of the most common phrases grieving or traumatised people hear often, and provide some alternative approaches that can avoid unintentional hurt.
“Aren’t you over it yet?”
Let me tell you, this one stings. Grief and trauma are not processes that respect a calendar. No one wakes up one day and thinks, “Okay, that’s enough. I’m officially done with this grieving thing.” Healing and integrating loss takes as long as it takes, and it’s a deeply personal journey. So when someone asks if you’re “over it,” it can feel like there’s an expectation to hurry up and be okay—almost as if there’s something wrong with not being over it.
Better approach: A simple, “How are you holding up?” can open a supportive space for sharing without judgment.
“You need to be strong.”
This one, in particular, has always felt like being told to just tough it out. Yes, I know people say it out of encouragement, but in my experience, it often implies that showing sadness or vulnerability is a weakness. If you’re grieving or navigating the aftermath of a trauma, you’re allowed to be however you need to be, whether that’s strong, messy, emotional, or all of the above. Grief and trauma is raw, it’s human, and it doesn’t make you any less strong to be vulnerable.
Better approach: Remind them it’s okay to feel everything they’re feeling—healing isn’t about “staying strong” but about being real with where you’re at.
“They’re in a better place now”
“It was their time”
“God only picks the prettiest flowers”
“Everything happens for a reason”
“What doesn't kill you makes you stronger,”
“It must have been part of god's plan
Any of these kind of phrases are such an easy fall-back, and I get it—death and traumatic experiences are uncomfortable to talk about. But as someone who deeply believes in honouring all parts of life’s journey, I also know that for many, hearing these words isn’t comforting. It can feel dismissive, and as if their pain isn’t valid because....insert phrase/platitude.
Better approach: Just say, “I’m here for you.” Or “So sorry for your loss”. Sometimes, no words are better than forced words. A hug or a comforting silence can say more than a thousand platitudes.
“At least you have xyz or other things to be grateful for.”
Yes, gratitude is powerful, but grief and trauma is not an either/or situation. You can be grateful for a thousand things and still feel that aching loss or like your life has imploded. When someone reminds you of other blessings, it often feels like there’s a pressure to look on the bright side instead of honouring what you’ve lost or experienced. Trust me, anyone who’s grieving or who has experienced a trauma knows their blessings. Its important to recognise this and know that this can't and won't erase their pain.
Better approach: Instead of offering gratitude reminders, maybe ask them about a memory of their loved one or just listen to what they want to talk about. It allows them to connect with the beauty of the relationship they’re grieving.
“It could’ve been worse” or “At least…”
These phrases might come from a place of trying to offer perspective, but they can feel dismissive of someone’s real pain and experience. When someone is grieving or processing trauma, hearing “It could’ve been worse” or “At least…” can make them feel as if their feelings aren’t valid, as if they should be grateful instead of hurting. Grief and trauma aren’t a contest; they’re deeply personal experiences that deserve space without comparisons or minimisations.
Better approach: Simply say, “I’m here for you, however you need.” This respects their experience without trying to reframe or diminish it.
“What can I do to help?”
Don’t ask, just do the things. What you do will depend on how close your are with the person, but I can tell you that small little gestures really do go a long way when it comes to practical things. When you are in a deep state of shock or emotional turmoil, you can’t think straight. Some really practical things you can do (that I deeply appreciated) include:
💜 Doing grocery shopping or ordering groceries
💜 Dropping off food that is easy to heat and eat (some lovely ladies set up a roster so that someone dropped off a meal for dinner for us every night for two weeks. I can’t tell you how appreciated that was! It also ensured we weren’t inundated with food).
💜 School drop offs and pick ups
💜 Cancelling or arranging appointments with doctors, therapists etc where appropriate and needed and offering to drive them there
💜 Doing dishes/packing or unpacking the dishwasher, doing a load of laundry or just helping with a general clean up
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I share these examples not to criticise but to offer an honest look at how certain words can feel from a place of deep, personal experience.
So, next time you’re supporting someone who’s grieving or working through trauma, don’t worry about finding the “perfect” thing to say or do. Just drop the platitudes, show up, listen, and hold space with love and understanding.
Sometimes, the most powerful form of support is your presence, your patience, and the gentle reminder that it’s okay for them to feel exactly as they feel, for as long as they need to. Speaking and acting from the heart is all that counts.
Again, healing isn’t about fixing, hurrying, or “getting over it.” It’s about moving through it in a way that allows space for all the emotions, authenticity, and yes—sometimes, it’s messy, and that’s perfectly okay.
With love from my soul to yours,
PS: If you’re moving through grief or trauma, I am here to support you. Its my calling, my heart's work and my highest purpose.
I offer energy healing and soul coaching sessions that are tailored specifically for those navigating trauma and/or grief, holding safe, sacred, compassionate and non-judgemental space for you to heal, grow and integrate at your own pace.
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